A snapshot from a sacred life:
Once upon a time, mornings were rushed. Getting myself ready and three elementary school kids out the door on time was a circus. Two were always ready and waiting, and the youngest, often having a tantrum because her socks hurt. I remember the sensation in my body of urgency. I have to get to work. I have things to do. I can’t be late again.
I remember my impatience and my own inner tantrum that leaked out in the shape of my face and the look in my eyes and often, the tone and the volume of my voice.
And children grow up. And in them, I see myself. My nervous system 7 years ago. My response to stress and urgency. My inability to regulate.
The little one is 14 now and is a bit free range. She took the subway to the LIRR and made a trip out to see her cousins. The Bronx to Patchogue by herself. Somewhere along the way, she got turned around. I’m on my walk in the park, so I missed her first four calls. When I finally got her on the phone she was yelling. MOOOOOOOM why don’t you pick up the phone!!!!!!!
And I feel a little pin prick of energy in my body that wants to match her energy of hysterical. It’s there. I see it. I feel it. I override it.
I’m calm. I’m soft. I’m loving. I get her on FaceTime and lead her to the LIRR entrance. I remind her she has plenty of time. There is no urgency. No rush. All is well. She even has time for a Macha.
Pretty quickly, she calms down. She knows where she is. She’s got this now.
10 minutes later I get a text. I’m on the train. Thanks mama. I love you.
And within myself, I notice calm. I feel love and pride for both of us. I feel peace.
And from that place, I continue my walk.
There is a fine line
between control and creation.
Control is having a vision of a life experience
and pushing forth to make it happen.
This path is often arduous -
a path of hard work and striving.
Creation is softer.
Organic.
Unfolding on no particular timeline
that we can understand.
Creation is initiated
from the deepest desires of the heart -
the longings beneath the surface desires
of achievement, success, and accomplishment.
Lean into creating your life
rather than controlling it.
Begin by leaning
into the mystery of not knowing
what will happen.
Not-knowing is not what you think it is.
It is allowing life to unfold
without orchestrating or forecasting
what comes next.
Life will sometimes feel full of change.
Volatile.
Allow this.
Life will sometimes feel stagnant.
Boring.
Allow this, too.
Do not fight with life.
Do not try to control it.
All is as it should be -
the good,
the bad,
the in-between.
Allow it all.
Accept it all.
This may take time.
Quiet yourself
with conscious awareness of your breath.
This is your home base.
Always.
At first, your surface wants and desires
will make themselves known.
Your mind will be busy with them.
Goals.
Plans.
Strivings.
Achievements.
Material things.
Experiences.
Busy, busy, busy.
They are surface waveson a deep ocean.
Surface waves are powerful -
so stay diligent.
Be patient.
The breath will calm the waves,
eventually.
The mind will quiet.
And then, the deeper waters will clear.
And the desires of your heart
will rise to the surface.
They will not be what you expect.
They will be simple.
The heart longs
to feel loved.
To feel worthy.
To feel safe.
To know connection.
Creation of your life
is about defining how you want to experience your life -
internally.
You can achieve great things
and still feel unworthy and alone.
So ask yourself -
how do you want to feel
in this life?
Self-compassion and kindness
must be the foundation
of the inner world
for true connection and trust to blossom.
When we doubt ourselves,
how can we truly trust the mystery of life?
When we don’t trust or forgive ourselves,
this distrust is mirrored back to us.
Everything we perceive to be outside of us
is truly inside of us.
The experience we have of ourselves
is mostly shaped by our unconscious mind.
Most of the time,
we don’t even know the vibration
of our own energy fields.
We do not truly know ourselves.
We look outward
for the cause of our internal strife.
We blame our families.
Our neighbors.
Our co-workers.
We blame politics, religion, the media, the system.
We point our attention outward
to explain what is happening within.
We strive to make the outer world good
so that we may feel good.
But we are backward in our efforts.
Confused.
We must look withinto understand what is outside of us.
Know yourself.
Go deeper
than the roles and labels you’ve been given.
Go deeper
than the beliefs you hold about who you are.
Go deeper still.
Who are you underneath all of that?
Become devotedly curious
about your inner landscape.
Notice the thoughts.
The consistent inner dialogue.
The emotions.
The sensations.
Feel them.
Return again and again
to the conscious awareness of your breath.
At all times.
This prepares the soil
for the garden of your deepest heart’s desires.
You—yes, you—are the perfect place
for the most gorgeous garden to grow.
Your breath is the seed.
Your attention to the breath
is the sun, the water, and the soil.
It is everything.
